Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Pretty certain I can more drunk
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!