I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
some cats are just doing for fun!
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Bruh PLEASE