NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.