My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”