How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
reviewed some movies recently
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
yeah no that’s fair
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing