The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.