there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Meowchelangelo
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
is it earth
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
No, he would not have.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product