It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras