WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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groan^2
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.