*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example