Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Well, my evening plans are ruined
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!