That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
You Might Also Like
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Support your local cemetery
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.