Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Pizza is an emotion right?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Why soy sad?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything