If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango