I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
My teenage children choosing violence
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
they should invent a hydrating liquor
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?