[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]