Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
You Might Also Like
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.