So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Well, this certainly took a turn
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles