When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Blew my mind.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.