My wife gives the best headache.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD