I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.