GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”