How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
How can I say no to this ?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me