God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger