interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
And now we wait
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.