Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…