ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough