Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
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robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Good morning, Twitter x
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics