If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
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“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[shakes fist at other fist]
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?