Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Venn
jesus, what did this guy do
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
eggs benadryl
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no