Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what