Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Extremely relatable.