Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
(Jupiter –
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over