What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah