Taking phone security to the next level.
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
This is my brand.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off