Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me as a parent
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Got him!
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
In banana years, I am bread.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”