Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.