Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.