*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Natty or not?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?