*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I’m about to risk it all
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR