Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
i actually laughed 😩
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
termite twitter scares me
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean