It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
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Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass