You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends