[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.