I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*limbos under the caution tape
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.