me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old