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This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”