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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: