The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
eggs benadryl
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*