Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out